Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
