I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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