i permit you to call me
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My dad is sitting where you rode me
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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