if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
