I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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