new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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