That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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