saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
