the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
