Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
