Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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