remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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