His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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