Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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