he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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