Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
