every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
