i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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