So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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