The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
