apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
