Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
