Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
