frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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