Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
