Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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