I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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