wat bout pragnant strippers??
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
