you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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