Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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