normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
