She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
