How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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