I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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