I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
