U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
