Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
