You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
