there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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