The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
