I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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