i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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