Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just want nice things and good sex
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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