If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
