I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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