I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
