Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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