i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
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