where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
