I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
